I've been trying to be a graduate student for almost 9 years now. I take classes one at a time, until I can't stand it anymore, and then I stop for a while. In this fashion I've earned a license to be a school library media specialist (a.k.a. school librarian.) However, here is the rub -- we have a two-tier licensing system in Wisconsin. My license is non-renewable, so now I am taking the courses to earn my professional license, which I have to finish within the next three years. There is no reprieve now; if I want the license (and I do) I have to push on through, one class every semester -- including the summer -- until December 2011 when I am finally done.
I tried a regular graduate program where I would have gotten a Masters in Library Science along with my license. I lasted for two semesters there, before throwing in the towel. I hated it so much! Now I am in an online program designed to get classroom teachers into school libraries. It has been a much better fit for me, relevant, interesting …
It is always a challenge. I'm a fairly intelligent person (I think.) I read a lot, I am able to apply what I am learning to real-life situations. However, when I am enrolled in a class I constantly feel rotten, like I am a bad person. I believe I have finally pinpointed what that is about. School these days involves a lot of the dreaded group project. In an online course, this involves group projects with people I may have only met in person one time; all of our communication takes place in that tricky medium of email and online discussion. I realize that my overall feeling in this context is one of shame. I beat myself up if I don't go to the discussion forum often enough, don't add to the Googledoc or wiki in a timely enough manner, when it's my turn I don't summarize the discussion until the end of the day on which it's due. I feel as if I am always letting my group-mates -- who are essentially strangers to me, but in my mind, far better students than I am -- down.
It's so bad that once I turn in an assignment I don't want look at it again, because I'm so ashamed of my work. I have to browbeat myself before I log onto the class site. I'm procrastinating right now as I write this blog post!
Basically I always feel like a fuck-up as a graduate student. (Pardon my language, but I do.) I just don't want to do this. I would rather be walking my dog, playing my guitar, reading for fun, knitting, decorating Ukrainian Easter eggs, making soap, sewing, and being with my family. I don't care if I get an A. I just want to pass each course.
Whew -- got that off my chest. I feel as if I've been in the confessional. I have two more weeks of this course. The next one is a literature course; hopefully it will be more flying solo.
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5 comments:
(((Suzy)))
Jan, thank you. I am not cut out for academia.
You're neither a fuck-up nor a bad student. You're just an adult student with a job and family (some would call it a life). I suspect there are others in the same boat. It has been my observation that other people would be proud of the work that you may consider to be sub-standard.
Suzy, all of those group projects totally suck. Okay, maybe I had one good one. I'm not sure why everyone is so insistent on them!
I hated grad school too. I always felt like an idiot and I had the worst public speaking phobia.. it was terrible and terribly painful. I think I've finally gotten over the horror.. almost four years later!
It's not you.
You are super intelligent and capable and are an asset to everyone. I so wish it had been a better experience. They missed out.
Terry, thanks. I hold your opinions in high regard. Recently I have had occasion to talk with the head of media services for MMSD, and HE has not much good to say about SLIS vis รก vis school libraries. Interesting. But beyond SLIS, I just think higher education is not designed to help students succeed.
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