Angst

I am struggling with something. It has to do with money, and I have a very complicated and angst-ridden relationship with money (and those whom I perceive to have money.) My 14-year old daughter worked for 2 weeks at a summer camp which she has attended before as a camper. Later in the summer they will have a program for teen campers. Tuition is out of our price range: close to $2000. Last week when I picked our daughter up for a night off, she mentioned that there was still space in the teen camp, that she really wanted to go, and that the directors had told her that there was scholarship money available; we had only to apply.

This week I received an email, and then a phone call, from a camp board member -- who handles much of the registrar duties -- asking whether we had given any more thought to our daughter's attendance at the camp and how much money we thought we could contribute toward her tuition. Here is my struggle: We really hadn't planned for her to attend camp, she hadn't shown much of an interest earlier in the spring, and in no way had we budgeted for it (not that we are particularly good at budgeting anyway.) I feel that this opportunity should not have been offered to her -- with the implied promise of scholarship money -- without including us in the conversation, if there was going to be an expectation of a monetary contribution on our part. It puts us in the position of being the bad guys to our daughter -- having to say no, we can't afford it.

Now, nobody has said that we can't apply for a full scholarship. However, just the fact that the question was raised of us making a contribution tells me that there is an expectation, spoken or not. And what that does is put me in a place of feeling ashamed.

Having to ask for help with money makes me feel ashamed. It is a gut-level, emotional response on my part that I haven't really been able to cleanse myself of, even after years of therapy. It touches on all kinds of things: the thought that I haven't gone on in higher education so that I can make more money, questions about how we choose to spend any extra money we might have, the thought that maybe if we were "better" with our money we wouldn't need scholarships, etc. etc. etc. There's room there for a lot of self-recrimination, and I go there very easily.

Yet I have a big problem with "strings attached" scholarships. People for whom money is not an issue do not understand that it can be an emotional and psychological burden, as well as a financial burden on a family or individual. Even if the strings are just asking one to justify their request for financial help. It is putting up one more roadblock for people who already have a lot of roadblocks to get over.

I'm not saying all of this to elicit sympathy for poor me and my economic plight. Our finances aren't great, but we're okay for now, and a hell of a lot better off than some others. I know that. We probably could come up with a token contribution of $100, and forgo something else, and ultimately not really notice too much. But if it is hard for me, what is it like for other people, for whom there is little flexibility?

Individuals -- even very decent, well-meaning, generous individuals -- who operate from a place of privilege don't, or maybe can't, understand what it feels like.

This maybe the subject of another blog post, but it's uncomfortable and painful, so I'd better spill it out here while I'm on a roll. I run into this a lot among Quakers, my spiritual community. There is a saying that Quakers came to the so-called new world to do good, and did very well indeed. That is to say, that on the whole, Friends tend to be quite comfortably well off. There is an expectation that Friends will practice "right giving" with their money, and indeed Friends are very generous. For example, if the children are selling cookies at the rise of Meeting to raise money for earthquake relief in Haiti, it is not unusual for them to raise $500 very quickly. Friends in my Meeting have also been very quick to respond when it comes to hooking up someone in need with an agency that can help. And even to make private, personal financial donations.

However during the 2 years that my husband was unemployed, when we came close to losing our house (and I know we're lucky to own a house,) again and again I ran up against individuals that simply didn't get that when I said we didn't have extra money, we didn't have extra money. And when it came to making a financial contribution to Camp Woodbrooke for appearance's sake because I was on the board and we were fundraising, or when as a congregation we are asked to increase our individual donations to the Meeting, I feel angry and ashamed at the same time: ashamed for the reasons discussed above, and angry that when all is said and done, my "in kind" contributions really don't carry the same weight as a monetary contribution.

I suspect this will continue to cause me angst, and I just have to deal with it. But it is tormenting me right now, and I really needed to unload. No response necessary, but as always I do welcome your thoughts.