Why am I such a misfit?

My program for Friends General Conference Annual Gathering arrived in the mail a couple of days ago. For the uninitiated, that is the annual gathering of one of the branches of Quakers. It is held every July at a different college campus, almost always in the continental United States. A few years ago it was held in Wisconsin, and with the benefit of a very generous scholarship from FGC and my home Meeting, my daughters and I attended.

There is something very appealing about the idea of it: an entire week of hanging out with Quakers can be a heady thing. Week-long workshops are offered; there are many opportunities to explore one's spirituality or to connect with others like-minded …

… And I didn't like it! I  was reminded of that once again as I perused this year's invitation. I start to wonder, is there something wrong with me? It should be fun. It's like summer camp! Do I have a serious character flaw?

What I remember was that it was a lonely experience. The only thing worse than being lonely by yourself is being lonely in the midst of a thousand people. I would feel somewhat connected in my workshop (it was about right relationship with money and I discovered that it is an easier topic to explore when you have a little extra money to begin with … and you certainly need to commit a chunk of money to attend Gathering, so maybe that was part of the problem) but then the workshop time would end and I felt at loose ends. Not connected enough with anyone to seek them out -- except my friend Poodle Doc, and I didn't want to be a nuisance to him -- I would walk into the enormous cafeteria at mealtimes and it was full of tables of people, longtime friends and new acquaintances eating and chatting, and it didn't seem as if there was any room for me anywhere.

That was compounded by the fact that my younger daughter was having a hard time in her workshop -- a theatrical production of an African folk tale using giant puppets that the kids constructed. She wasn't really connecting either. (Oh no, is my social malady something I've passed down to my children?) And I still have some deep concerns about how the adults in charge of her workshop ran the week, but that's water under the bridge.

All around me everybody else seemed to be having a great time. I have friends who plan their summers around Gathering, they go back year after year. I guess I'm just not that person. What I find myself yearning for is some kind of a hermitage -- maybe a hermitage with regular conjugal visits -- but no demands. No workshops, no graduate school projects due, no work come Monday, no expectations. A gathering of one -- me. Now that idea speaks to me. I could knit, read, play my guitar, walk my dog. See my family some (because I would miss them pretty quickly.)

I'm waiting for that brochure to arrive in the mail.